


Jerry's Files:  ER Drabbles

by Sokorra



Series: The Lyrics Prompt Series [10]
Category: E.R.
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-31 06:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6459823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/pseuds/Sokorra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since it seemed I was writing more ER drabbles as part of the Lyrics prompt challenge, I decided to put them in their own collection.  </p><p>Drabbles will be 100-500 words in most cases (if there is an extended version, I'm posting that one) and will be posted on a monthly basis depending on the amount of prompts answered that month.  Characters and ships will be added as they appear</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. March '16 Prompts I

Sometimes I’m afraid of the dark  
I can’t find the light in my heart  
I can see my hand   
Pushing away from you hard as I can  
\-- ** _”Fearless” by Cyndi Lauper_**

(3/5)

Eleanor felt like she had been living the last thirty years in a daze, only waking up to find her life in shambles.  After Robbie had died, throwing herself into her work and social duties was the only thing that kept her going.  And Jack just went along with it, grieving in his own way and unable to help her.  In the end it destroyed their marriage, her relationship with her other two children, and many other relationships.

The ‘rock bottom’ ended up being standing in a cancer ward and watching another little boy act so brave against the odds.  Watching history repeating itself,  She started to lock herself away again, but this time her son wouldn’t let her.   She stayed and helped him through the tough times.

She also started to see a therapist, because thirty years running wasn’t doing her any good, and when your own son doesn’t want anything to do with you, you need to get help.  She went to weekly meetings at first.  Thirty years is a lot to take in.  Slowly things started to get better as the therapist tried various therapies, some medicinal and some not.  Her meetings went to monthly, then every three months.

She started working on her marriage.  Jack had filed for divorce, but she hadn’t signed.  When he saw how much of an effort she was making, he agreed to try one more time.  Things weren’t smooth, but they were getting better.

She just didn’t know how to reconnect to her son.  The one she had pushed away, afraid of loving him too much and then losing him.  It broke her heart to realise that her son, so used to her uninvolvement, hadn’t called her when he had needed a kidney transplant.  He had only called them afterwards to tell them it was successful.  Then she started remembering all the times her son had needed her and she hadn’t been there, hadn’t been wanted.

She decided then and there that she wasn’t going to lose her son to her own behavior.

 

* * *

 

Another year over, we’re still together  
It’s not always easy, but I’m here forever  
We are the lovers, I know you believe me  
When you look into my eyes, ‘cause the heart never lies  
\-- ** _”The Heart Never Lies” by McFly_**

(3/9)

She found the pictures in a box left in the attic from when they first moved to the house.  She had been looking for something for their son to take for his class’ family show-and-tell.  It was supposed to be something that the family valued, something he would later write an essay about.  She had been combing the boxes for something she couldn’t recall at the moment as she glanced through the pictures, memories coming with each one.

It was hard to believe that she and Luka had been married 10 years now.  Their 11 year old son was growing every day yet it seemed like only yesterday she and Luka had stood in a room overlooking the surgery that was saving his life.  The pictures in front of her were of that time.  Holding Joe in the hospital, both of them looking exhausted, worried but happy that their little boy was getting stronger.

Other pictures were of their friends.  Some she lost contact with and some she still talked to over facebook.  One or two she still called, like Carter and Neela.  One in the back she could recall being taken by Archie when they weren’t looking, given to them later.  It was of her, Luka and the baby having a private moment the day they took him home.  Joe looking adorable, abit small.  What struck her was how the picture captured the love that she and Luka shared, in just a simple glance.

She collected the photos and took them downstairs.  They told a story and deserved to be in something better than a box.  She wasn’t an overly sentimental person, that was more Luka’s talent.  He would probably know just the thing, be it an album or a frame.  But she kept the last picture for her son.

She had a story to tell him.  Perhaps it was about time he learned about how much love was put into bringing him into the world.

 

* * *

 

 

It's been a while since I've felt butterflies  
Do you feel the same way too  
If every single second could last that much longer  
Would you hold me  
\-- ** _”Kiss Me Again” by We Are The In Crowd_**

(3/16)

It was amazing how it felt so new yet so familiar at the same time.  Familiar because she had woken up here before, in his arms.  New because it just felt right, she didn’t feel like she was about to jump at her skin.  Like she finally was comfortable with the idea of this making her happy.  Still, they were supposed to be friends, just friends, and she knew traveling down this path, no matter how good and comfortable it felt this morning was not a wise move.  

She got out of bed, careful not to wake him up.  Grabbing a blanket from the end of the bed, she wrapped it around herself and watched him for a minute, smiling at how calm he looked.  Like this was just something they did, like it was just a sunny winter morning.  She looked at the clock beside his head and frowned.  Make that a sunny afternoon.  It was 12:23.  She hadn’t slept that long or deep in a long time.  It was a good thing they both had the day off.

She started searching for her clothes, which apparently woke him up more than the shifting of the bed, and she couldn’t help but smile back at him when he smiled goofily at her, pleased that he seemed happy to have her there.  There was no regret, not for either of them.

It didn’t take much arguing to convince her to stay, to have a late lunch (or perhaps early dinner) after they both showered.  To act like it wasn’t strange for her to be there, standing beside him as they did their dishes together, laughing together.  

And surprisingly the fear that she would just get her heart broken again seemed further away than usual.  Enough that she had to remind herself how much she loved having him as a friend, and how this would effect that.  She knew from previous experience that it could change a friendship, just look at her and John.  They were never as close as they were before they got together.

Yet Luka felt different.  It all felt so very different.  She could almost feel the butterflies come back, the way they were when she first met him, when she had surprised herself and him by actually kissing him.  Only this time he had made that first move, and the butterflies were more sedate but still there.  More comfortable.

More fitting.

  
  


* * *

 

 

All of the things that I wanna say  
Just aren’t coming out right  
I’m tripping on words  
You got my head spinning  
I don’t know where to go from here  
\-- ** _”You and Me” by Lifehouse_**

(3/19)

He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but the words wouldn’t come out.  He wasn’t sure why he couldn’t.  Something just told him that she wouldn’t take it well.  So he kept it to himself, trying to show it in action instead of words.  

There were so many times when he’d have to bite it back, twist what he was saying so that he wasn’t saying it.  Sometimes it went smoothly, but often enough it earned him a look from her that just told him he was sounding crazy.  He didn’t mind.  She didn’t seem to mind either.

Except when it was finally okay to say it, he found he had trouble going through with it.  As if all that time keeping it to himself had become permanent, tying up his words.  She got closer than he, but he found little comfort in the fact that she seemed just as tripped up as he was in actually saying it.

When they finally did say it, it was after almost dying.  As if the situation had finally knocked the block out of the way and allowed them to say it.  He found himself finally able to say it, and when she returned the sentiment, it was like everything was finally coming together as everything fell apart.

But at least they had something.


	2. March '16 Prompts II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Luka can't outrun the memories  
> 2\. Abby & Luka in the aftermath of Greg's death  
> 3.Luka realises that he feels more then he knew for Abby  
> 4\. Greg Pratt takes his last trip through the ER

I just wanna run, hide it away   
Run because they’re chasing me down   
I just wanna run, throw it away   
Run because they’re finding me out   
\-- **_”I Just Wanna Run” by The Downtown Fiction_ **

(3/20)

He had learned long ago he couldn’t outrun the memories.  But sometimes he still felt like he could try.  That if he worked enough hours he wouldn’t have time to let the memories fester.  If he buried himself in someone else, they could cover up the ache.

But he knew that nothing was ever going to cover up that wound.  It could mask it for awhile, he could pretend he wasn’t a little bit broken, but it all came out in the end.  Over the years it had lessened in intensity but it was still there.  Still mornings he woke up thinking of his children and then remembering that they were no longer there.  Days when patients would remind him of Danijela and allowing her to die while trying to save the daughter.  Sometimes it felt so fresh he could barely breathe.

Finding Abby helped.  She was not a replacement, nor did he want her to be. But loving her healed some of him, as if he loved her enough, he could start to love himself again.  His friendships at work started allowing him to make a new home of Chicago, and slowly think of that as home instead of a bombed out apartment in Croatia.

But it never fully went away, and sometimes he felt like running away.  But then Sam would tell him a joke, and Abby would smile at him from across the desk, and they’d all laugh at Morris for one reason or another or sometimes even a postcard Carter sent from his latest adventure.  And he would feel like if he just hung on for a little bit longer, it would all be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

But some days you wake up and feel like you need love   
You can't see your smile, your eyes, not the way that I do   
Don't you ever feel worthless, just know that you're perfect   
And I'd change the world before I changed a thing about you   
\-- **_”About You” by Shane Filan_ **

_ (3/22) _

He held her close to him that night as she cried.  He was still in too much shock to really notice his own tears.  They had lost a friend, and in a manner traumatic on its own. But he couldn’t let go of the fact that it could have been her.

When he had first heard about the blown up vehicle, they had just said an ER doctor from County had been injured.  It was only later he realised that Abby had been walking that direction after they met and he rushed to the hospital.  She had been fine - well as fine as one could be when trying to save another friend while in a cast.  But she had been physically alright. 

He didn’t want to let go.  He wanted to look at her all night, remember what she looked like, what she smelled like.  Tonight he could have lost her, and in a way too much like the way his first wife had been lost.  He couldn’t help but make the parallels, to feel the fear tighten in his chest.

She wasn’t Danijela, there had never been a problem confusing the two of them.  But the pain of the first loss and the fear of the near second loss mingled.  He held her tighter, hoping to god the only thing his wives would have in common was their hair, and his love.

  
  


* * *

 

 

I keep coming back begging you for more   
Watch my knees as they fall to the floor   
Want you to push, you always take the shove   
You don’t need this broken kind of love   
\-- **_”Ugly Love” by Griffin Peterson_ **

(3/23)

He had never been in this position before, wanting so much to protect her from everything but knowing it wasn’t his place.  Knowing that he had ruined things months earlier, regretting it as he watched her reflection in the plastic on the door.

Since his wife died, he hadn’t been in many relationships.  He just couldn’t connect.  Then he had met Carol but things hadn’t gotten too far before she realised she was still in love with Doug Ross.  Sometime’s her words repeated in his head.  How he would find her, this mythical soulmate meant just for him.

When she had first said that, he had wanted to respond that he had already met and lost her.  But lately he had started to think of Abby in connection to those words, and it made him unsure on how to deal with it.

What do you do when you realise you are in love with your ex-girlfriend?  One which is currently sitting in a hospital gown covered in blood and bruises and possibly other injuries he rather not think about.  He left the room, the pen in his hand cracking under the pressure and staining his finger tips.

He could only hope to protect her. He finished some of his other cases, leaving a few loose ends for Susan and walked out, knowing there was only one thing he could do and that was to make sure Brian never came near her again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Where did I go wrong I lost a friend   
Somewhere along in the bitterness   
And I would have stayed up with you all night   
Had I known how to save a life   
\-- **_”How To Save A Life” by The Fray_ **

(3/25)

It was eerily silent as they moved the bed through the line of people.  Patients seemed to understand that something had happened.  Doctors from other departments  seemed to line the hall, as if watching a procession.

She grasped the rail, her knuckles white.  She allowed the tears to fall.  It wasn’t as if she was the only one.  The ones who weren’t were still in shock and would no doubt be crying later. It would cycle, she knew.  She wasn’t sure she fully filtered what had just happened.

The crowd cleared as they reached the elevators that would take Greg Pratt up to the operating room where he would get to help others one last time.  She walked the bed into the elevator, taking up guard along with a few others.  Some of the rest stood watch outside the door, almost as if they were standing at attention.

As the doors closed, she closed her eyes, and wiped away the tears.  

She still had one last thing to do.

 

* * *

 


	3. March '16 Prompts III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Ella wants to know about her father  
> 2\. Luka runs back to Abby  
> 3\. Luka and Abby when they were temporary roommates

You tell me of his interests, how he loved the sound of trains   
Whenever you hear that whistle, it’s calling out his name   
All the lonely years you suffered, remembering back when   
The days seem so much longer now, I hope you meet again   
\-- **_”I Hope You Meet Again” by The Saw Doctors_ **

(3/27)

“Did Daddy like Trains.”  She couldn’t help but smile at the younger girl’s question.  It was also a sad reminder that he wasn’t there to answer himself.  

“I’m not sure he had an interest either way,” she answered truthfully.  “But I’d bet if he were here, he’d love playing with you.”  She shifted the girl in her lap, reaching out to pick up the wooden toy train that had become the girl’s favorite toy in recent weeks.  “He used to take a train to work every day.”

“Really?” She laughed a little at the girl’s enthusiasm.

“Really.  In Chicago, they have a metro train that takes you all over the city.  He’d ride it into work every day.  Until he moved out to the house in the suburbs.  Then he started driving a bit more.”

“I want to ride a train.”

“Well, maybe when we go there this fall you and I can ride one,” she said, kissing her temple.  “Would you like that?” The little girl nodded her head.  “I’ll show you the one Daddy rode.”

 

* * *

 

 

And I do want to show you I   
Will run to you, to you until I   
Can't stand on my own anymore   
I cross my heart and hope to die   
\-- **_”Cross My Heart” by Marianas Trench_ **

(3/29)

He kept running back to her.  It didn’t seem to matter that they were seeing other people, or that they had broken up.  When he needed someone, he needed her.  And she always came.  He wondered sometimes if she needed him half as much as he needed her, but he was too afraid to ask.

He knew he loved her, although he questioned the category he put that love in from time to time.  Consistent was the friendship.  She was his best friend regardless of their romantic status.  When he needed a friend, she was there.  When he was in trouble, she was there.  It didn’t matter what time of day it was, or where.  She’d be on the phone, or knocking on his door, whatever she could do.

But he knew that sometimes he let it drift back into the romantic category.  Where his attraction for her intermingled with his love for her and he wanted to hold her tight and kiss her.  But he kept that reigned in most of the time because he couldn’t tell if she would welcome it.

There were moments though.  Moments when it seemed they were both on the same page.  When she would look at him with a smile and he would just know that in that moment they had both let the boundaries get blurred.  He just wished he had the courage to push the issue, to ask her if she wanted what they had back.  If she wanted him back as something more than just the guy she got pizza with, or talked over her bad day with.

Till then he waited on the sidelines, ready to be there for her as much as she was for him, regardless.  If they were to remain friends for the rest of their lives, he’d be happy.  He’d wish for more, but he’d be happy with the status quo.  Just as long as she stayed in his life.

 

* * *

 

 

Let be the one you run to for the rest of your life   
I’d give up everything to show you, to show you there’s still time   
I could be the one you run too, for the rest of your life   
I’m still learning how to love you, you are the only one that’s worth the fight   
\-- **_”Learning” by Green River Ordinance_ **

(3/31)

It had been easy to ask her to stay with him.  It was mostly just to be a good person, he liked to tell himself but he knew it wasn’t just that.  She still had a hold on him.  He couldn’t figure out how to explain it, but there was something about Abby that made him want to protect her, to keep her close.

There were moments when it seemed so clear, when she was looking up at him and he was examining her eye.  If it hadn’t been for the physical reminders of her assault he could have pretended this was a year ago, when they were still happy together.  Before he let his own problems cloud the issue, let his insecurities rise.

Still, he liked the idea that she still trusted him.  Still cared enough for him to be there.  Their breakup had not been the most amicable, although not quite as bad as others.  She could have chosen to avoid him, to not let old habits like having breakfast together happen again.

He liked that she allowed him to take care of her, even if it was just as a friend.  He had lost his chance for anything more, but he was happy he still had her friendship, and her trust.


	4. September 2014 Prompts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Benton would understand eventually  
> 2\. John remembers Mark Greene  
> 3\. Neela Mourns.

**“I believe you’ll find this opportunity more suitable than the last.”**

Mr. Higgins ‘When Calls the Heart’

(9/15)

 

When he had finally made the decision, he had been surprised at how long it had taken him.  He loved surgery, but he kept being called back to the ER, being able to save people and connect with them.  Sometimes Surgery seemed so clinical.  He got too close to the patients, got too involved in their stories.  It was more than just being a good surgeon and knowing all the facts.  He was genuinely a people person.  He liked hearing the stories, connecting. 

It was hard starting over.  He knew so much, yet was back at the bottom of the totem pole, having to bite his tongue.  But even with all that, he knew emergency medicine was a better fit.  He hated disappointing Benton, but he knew now he would have never made it in surgery.  Sure he was good as far as skills went, but he’d never be able to cut himself off the way a surgeon needed to.

It might take a few years, but he was sure Benton would understand eventually.

 

* * *

 

 

**“Seeing him come through the hallway wearing this, it was like Superman had arrived.”**

_ Kurt Hummel ‘Glee’ _

_ (9/20) _

John took out the stethoscope and looked at it again.  It was so hard to think that Mark Green, the man who had taught him so much about Emergency Medicine, who had made him the doctor he was was now gone.  

He wasn’t half the teacher Mark Greene had been. He could only hope that he could live up to the trust the older man had in him, handing the baton to him.  Officially there was nothing there, but he had known.  Mark had quit, and there was something about those words that told him that he was expected to live up to Mark’s example.

_ You set the tone, Carter. _

He could only hope he did as well as Mark.  Mark had been more than just a teacher.  He became family, a friend. There was not one person working the ER who was not mourning his loss, even those who had barely known him like Pratt.  The man left an impression even when only a few hours with him.

John knew he didn’t have that, but maybe he could make his own mark on County General, and be the type of man that caused so many people to love and respect him.

He slipped his off and took Mark’s, and wrapped it around his neck.  Maybe he needed a little bit of Mark nearby to remind him of what he needed to do.

 

* * *

 

**“A hero would die for his country, but he’d much rather live for it.”**

_ Jed ‘The West Wing’ _

(9/22)

The tape stopped but Neela couldn’t stop her tears.  It was so hard to imagine that the smiling man who had just told her to move on, to be happy was actually gone.  Michael had had such grand plans for them.  How he was going to finish his residency nearby,  maybe a child or two in a few years when they were both pass residency.  But now none of that was going to happen.

Michael Gallant, her husband, the love of her life, was dead.  Because of a bomb.  She supposed she should be grateful that he hadn’t suffered, at least it seemed implied he hadn’t.  He had died helping others, which was so like him.

But she rather he was alive, her to argue with her some more.  But he wasn’t.  There was going to be no more arguments, no more conversations about a future they both weren’t sure what they wanted except that it be together.  There would be no more greeting him at the door when he was on leave, or getting a video call from wherever he was stationed with funny anecdotes about the people around him.

She curled up on the sofa and wrapped the old quit she was sure was actually Abby’s and laid down, suddenly too tired to really move to her bedroom.  She wasn’t sure if it was physically or just the emotional upheaval of seeing those men, of hearing those words and Michael's own, had just drained her emotionally enough that all she could do was sit there and cry.

 


	5. October 2014 Drabbles.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last set of ER related Qoute drabbles.
> 
> 1\. Abby and Neela Friendship missing scene  
> 2\. Elizabeth ponders Romano

**“Thank you, for everything. Sincerely."**

Kelso 'Scrubs'’

 

“You know, I don’t think I ever thanked you.”  Abby looked up from her lunch at Neela confused.

“Thanked me for what?”

“For being there for me all these years.”

“I believe that comes with the territory.”

“No, its more then that.  You were there for me even when we didn’t know each other that well, and I was about to drop out.  You gave a place to live, a friend to count on and got me back on my carreer path.  Honestly, Abby, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“Are you being this sentimental because I’m leaving?”

“Partially,”  Neela said, tilting her head in acknowledgment. “But I’ve been thinking alot about it lately, especially now that its my final year as a surgical resident.  And thinking about where I go from here just reminded me when I was at the other crossroads and how much you helped me.  So thank you.”

“No problem,”  Abby said, a smile on her face.  “That’s what friends are for.

 

* * *

 

 

**“You know it’s amazing that you’ve managed to make my last moment here about you, I love that.”**

Abby ‘ER’

(10/30)

Elizabeth rolled her eyes as she left Robert standing in his office after she turned in her resignation.  While she had grown to tolerate the man, perhaps even find him a friend of sorts, she was never surprised about the man’s talent to make everything about him.

Even when she was leaving because she wanted the familiarity of her home in England, wanted to be away from all that reminded her of Mark, he made it about him, and how he was being disadvantaged by her move.  It both irritated her, yet made those moments when he was sincere all the more amazing.

Sometimes it was hard to see the man who just accused her of leaving him in a lurch a few minutes ago was the same man a few months ago who had told her what she needed to hear.  That she needed to see Mark through this.  

She paused as the elevators closed, Robert’s form down the hallway still watching her to take a deep breath.  Thinking about Mark still was a punch in the gut.  And perhaps Robert knew that, putting on his ego show to hide the fact that this was about Mark.

Sometimes it was hard to understand Robert Romano.


	6. May 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carter comes to an end.

Let you down, mess it up, we both knew it couldn’t last forever   
It’s coming down, I’ve had enough, I guess we crumbled under all the pressure   
I did my best for what it’s worth, and I gave you all this heart can give   
So farewell, I didn’t mean to let you down   
**\--”Farewell” by Simple Plan ft Jordan Pundik**

(5/3)

He supposed he saw it coming. After all, he could have waited for her call at home.  But instead he had chosen to take that last shift at the hospital. He might have been a little behind in recent developments but everything else snapped back into place almost as if he had never left.  He was home again.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t feel sadness when she decided it was time for them to see things as they were.  They loved each other, but sometimes love wasn’t enough, and they had crumbled under the memory of Joshua.  She couldn’t let go, couldn’t look at him and not be reminded of their son, who would be six years old. It was hard to believe it had been that long, that had he lived John would be seeing him off to kindergarten. 

Instead he visits a building with his son’s name printed on it, and signs papers that lets his wife free. He tries to save other people’s sons and daughters, so they don’t know the same pain.  And he tries to live, to not let the pain of losing Joshua cripple him as it had done his mother.

He wasn’t sure if he was successful.


	7. AUgust 2017 drabbles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. John Carter Post stabbing  
> 2.Luka Muses about Sam  
> 3\. Elizabeth mourns

And your face turns blush red   
As you scream for forgiveness   
The mistakes you can't forget   
Is the regret that you'll live with   
_ "Don’t Let This Be The End” by New Found Glory _

 

The second worst part of rehab, after the physical discomfort of detoxing, was the therapy sessions.  He hated it.  The group sessions weren’t too bad. They never got too personal.  Well, it got personal,but it was less likely to point out someone who didn’t want to share.  The private sessions they had twice a week were worse.  There was no one to deflect to, no group to fade into.

It kept going back to that night Lucy died.  He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it.  But they kept asking about his feelings about that night.  He didn’t know what to tell him.  Did it upset him?  Of course.  He felt rage against the man who stabbed him, who had ended Lucy’s life.  He felt grief, Lucy was a friend and a borderline something else.  He felt regret for not taking her more seriously, not making sure she didn’t go in there alone.

But he didn’t see how any of this was going to help him because all it made him want to do was find the nearest painkillers and down a few so he didn’t feel anything anymore.

He wanted to forget that night, forget the look of Lucy laying on that floor, slowly dying in front of his eyes, looking at him so scared.  He wanted to blank it all from his mind.

But he also knew that the drugs only worked temporarily.  The pain would always come back.

 

* * *

 

 

And it feels like I'm at an all-time low    
Slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision    
I've never seen this side of you  another tragic case of feeling    
Bruised and broken from our head on collision    
I've never seen this side of you another tragic case and I'm still…   
_ "Head On Collision” by New Found Glory _

Everything happened so fast.  One moment he thought things were going well and the next everything was falling apart.  He didn’t even know what had caused the final break.  All he knew is it was truly over.

Its not that he didn’t want to fight it, but he could tell from her eyes that she meant every word. She didn’t want kids, and the fact that he had had been the deal breaker.  He didn’t even get a chance to say the kids wasn’t a deal breaker for him.  Sure, he wanted more.  He loved being a father.  But he could have been happy being Alex’s step-dad.

Maybe it was a sign that she was right that he didn’t try harder.  That he let her go with barely a fight.  

He didn’t know.  All he did know was that he hated this feeling.

 

* * *

 

 

When you lose a part of your self

To somebody you know

It takes a lot to let go

Every breath that you remember

Pictures fade away but memory is forever

_ "Sonny” by New Found Glory _

  
  


She rocked the baby to sleep, weary and wanting a moment alone.  It was nice to see how much her husband was loved, but there was only so many condolences and well wishes she could take.  She kept expecting him to walk around the corner, to give her a smile and tell her things would be alright.

Except he wouldn’t.  They had buried him today.  His death hadn’t been a surprise, they had both known it was coming.  Watching the man she loved slowly die had been horrible, but she was glad she had been there.  She didn’t want to regret not being there.

But sometimes she just wanted to be by herself to cry, to mourn the man she loved.  The father of her daughter, the man who had become her best friend.  She knew the people downstairs all loved him too.  He had been their friend, their mentor, their role model and occupational hero.  She knew they all understood her pain in some way, but somehow it felt like when she was sitting with them all she was drowning.  Sitting here alone with her daughter she felt like she finally was getting air, even if it was only taken away again as she cried herself.

She missed him so much.


End file.
